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By James Lehman, MSW
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Q: The child with the behavior problem tends to get most, if not all of the attention in the family. What effect does this have on the other children?
Several things happen in the mind of a child who lives with this kind of trauma. First, the siblings of acting out kids become used to witnessing outbursts, and it has a negative effect on them in the long run. These are people who grow up willing to accept higher levels of abuse in their marriages and their friendships. They become desensitized to disrespect and abuse. They become numb to how it really feels to be called a name. They tolerate higher levels of disrespect and abuse in other areas of their life once they become adults. Their ability to be assertive also diminishes.
It’s also important to have a "safety plan." Just as families are encouraged to have a plan of action if there’s a fire (where to meet,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], how to get out, what to do),[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], I have always encouraged families to sit down and talk about how they can help the acting out child.
It’s also important to have a “safety plan.” Just as families are encouraged to have a plan of action if there’s a fire (where to meet, how to get out, what to do), I have always encouraged families to sit down and talk about how they can help the acting out child. Do this without the child being present.
James:
The first thing parents have to do is make every effort to make the sibling safe. And that leads to them not holding the acting out, abusive kid accountable. No matter what he does.
James:
My experience is that this manifests itself in two ways. One is that the sibling becomes what is called a “lost child.” This is a child who avoids family situations. When a family discussion starts to get a little heated, this kid disappears into his room. As things get more complex and as he gets older,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], he stays in his room more. He avoids conflict and confrontation. In emotionally charged situations such as dinnertime, the lost child will tend to avoid dinner because the acting out child uses it as a forum for his aggression. The lost child will tend to say he’s not hungry or his stomach hurts. Anything to get away from the tension and abuse.
An adaptive response to trauma means avoidance of anxiety and hyper arousal—in other words, watching out for trouble, listening very carefully to catch wind of tension, always remaining on high alert for hostility so that they can catch the pain before it comes.
Author&#039,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych];s Bio:
I’ve worked with the siblings of kids who act out in my practice, and they are, by and large, nice kids, but they have a lot of problems asserting what the problem is with their sibling and confronting it. They make a lot of excuses for their sibling’s behavior and abuse. They tend to defend him to outsiders, and it develops a very unhealthy social persona in them.
Q: What should parents do to minimize the negative effects of the acting out child on the other children in the family?
They learn not to assert themselves. They learn how to avoid people and situations, and it can hamper their social skills. In our world, a certain degree of assertiveness is necessary to communicate in a way that gets your needs met, and these kids don’t learn how to do that.
Remember that trauma comes from not feeling that you have any control over the situation. If the children have a plan for what to do,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], then it’s not traumatizing because they have some control. The situation may be annoying and frustrating for them,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], but it’s not traumatizing.
I have taught parents to say this: "If Johnny starts acting out, I’m going to deal with him. I’d like you go to your room for five minutes. The best thing you can do to help Johnny when he’s acting out is to leave him alone. Don’t feed into him. Don’t fight with him. Just let me know." When parents set up this structure, the siblings have a plan for what to do when this kid starts to melt down. When they know what to do, it reduces their feeling of panic and helps them to ease the trauma.
James:
It’s traumatizing when something hurtful happens to you, and you can’t control it, you can’t stop it,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], you can’t predict how hurtful it’s going to be, and you can’t predict when or whether it’s going to happen. Children who grow up with a chronically defiant, oppositional sibling grow up in an environment of trauma. They don’t know when they’re going to be verbally abused. They don’t know when their things are going to be broken. They don’t know when there’s going to be a major breakdown in the kitchen, and someone’s going to be restrained as they’re yelling and screaming. Often, acting out kids target their siblings as sources of power. It makes them feel powerful to say mean or abusive things or to hurt their siblings. They like that feeling of power, so they do it over and over again.
The Lost Children: When Behavior Problems Traumatize Siblings is reprinted with permission from Empowering Parents.
However, if a parent does tell a kid, “Stop that. It’s not acceptable” and turns around and walks away, and the kid says, “Screw you,” the siblings don’t see him as powerful; they see him as primitive. That’s the important thing. If the parent holds the child with the behavior problem accountable and takes away his “power,” the siblings see the parent as in control and see the kid as out of control. Most important, the parent reduces the environment of trauma for the siblings. Instead of wondering when the pain and chaos will erupt next, they will know the parent is in control and nothing will erupt.
Q: What do the other children in the family experience when they have a brother or sister who’s hostile or acts out chronically,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych]?
On the other end of the spectrum, kids will develop higher levels of attention-seeking behavior that we call “adaptive responses.” For example,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], a child who’s adapted to a calamitous situation at home shows his adaptive response in school by hiding out. He doesn’t raise his hand. He doesn’t get involved in group activities. He uses an avoidance adaptation in school that makes him stand out as if there’s something socially wrong with him, and it’s how he’s adapted at home. Some kids will act out even more than the hostile sibling, although this is rare.
The plan should be framed as how can we help Johnny. Parents should say openly,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], “We’re going to help Johnny by holding him responsible for his behavior and setting limits. But Johnny doesn’t always respond to that, and sometimes it takes us a while. The best way you can help Johnny is to stay out of it and go inside.”
If parents are afraid of backtalk because it makes them feel powerless, it’s very likely that they’ll tell the defiant child to stop doing it, and the child will say, “I don’t have to listen to you.” The parent feels as though there’s nothing they can do about it,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], and that leads to them not hold the child accountable because they don’t want to be embarrassed and feel powerless. Inevitably, parents stop setting the limits. The result is the other children in the family wonder who’s really in control,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], and they identify the acting out kid as the person in charge. As the defiant child acquires more power, the siblings challenge him less and give in to him more.
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Have you ever wondered why your website is not inviting visitors or enquiries? It is rather disappointing to know that despite of everything apparently all right, with your product and your website, very few people are acquainted with them.

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Results Are Not Always Apparent
By TJ Philpott
See all Articles by TJ PhilpottGet Updates on Success PrinciplesGet Updates on TJ Philpott Average: 0 Your rating: None Tweet
It is very common and to be expected that not all of your planned actions will yield the desired results. Now some people may choose to look upon these instances as failures but it is best to see them for what they are,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych], learning experiences! In order for you to achieve success in business online or off, it is normal make mistakes and this in no big deal. Learning from them will only make you better at what you do and also keep you from duplicating any previous failed efforts!
Results Are Not What We Expected
Author's Bio:&nbsp,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych];
It is important to recognize that many of the efforts you make as you build your business will not reveal results right away. To expect immediate gratification from everything you do is to set yourself up for needless frustration and even worse, failure. Allowing yourself to get frustrated like this can easily discourage you thereby compelling you to quit!
In many cases the results you get will be very subtle to the point of being almost unrecognizable,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych]. Here too most of the functions you will be addressing are meant to perform a small task. The combination of other successfully completed tasks will then combine over a period of time to produce a much larger impact. This will require for you to have patience until this culmination of your efforts does occur. Remember once again building businesses is a process and not something that occurs due to any single action that has been taken,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych]!
Results Are Not Always Immediate
Here are 3 realistic expectations you can assume to encounter if you hope to achieve success in business while working on the internet,[link widoczny dla zalogowanych].
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; Wang, beam Qiansheng
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Serge Hoffmann, partner at Bain & Co, a leading management consulting firm, said he believes more consumers are using the annual e-commerce shopping festival, largely fueled by the spread of smart devices.
He said the value of the Nov 11 transactions is significant in terms of gross merchandise value for Tmall. The increase in smart phones can also give customers access to online shopping round the clock.